My Sisters and Brothers,
Several of our faith communities have been meeting monthly since the beginning of the year in Cohort meetings. In May, we had a wonderful presentation by Michelle Snyder entitled “Family Systems 101: What it is and why it matters to the Church.” There is no way here in this short headnote to cover much of what she presented, but I would like to offer a few items of my own understanding. We often refer to the church as a family, which is true in many ways. We are a group of individuals who gather bound by birth, not physically but spiritually in the sacrament of baptism. As in our biological families, we take on certain roles following predictable patterns of behavior where individuals end up in relatively defined roles. Both at home and as the church, we want things to run smoothly, and when they do not, anxiety arises. When this happens, we either tend to fight, flee, or freeze. In church we fall back on how Fr. X did things thirty years ago, you know the phrase “But we’ve never done it that way before,” or we stop attending or pledging, or come only for the service or we are silent and only look on, present but do not interact with anyone. In our families, we often openly argue, take sides, run to our rooms, or slam the door on our way out, we stew and let the issues eat at us from the inside out. Too often, rather than addressing what concerns us, and talking to the source of the issue, we find other like-minded people and complain, raising our anxiety and theirs. This is often called “triangulation” and results in “parking lot meetings” which tend to only widen the gap in our relationships.
One of the key revelations I learned years ago about family systems is that a family, or a church, is like a mobile hanging over a baby’s crib. If you tap one piece, all the rest move in response. If one member of a family is upset, it affects the rest of the family. If one member is filled with good news, it spreads. If one member of the family is the “Debbie Downer”, or the one always finding something wrong, and there is to be a family gathering, anxiety will rise because of the fear that they will find something to complain about and upset the hoped full joy of the event. There is a relief if they will be absent. It’s no different with the church. If one person seems to be critical about how lessons are read when a mistake is made or things are done differently from what has been the effect is the same. So how can we begin to reduce anxiety in the church and within our homes?
I believe the first step is to recognize that none of us is perfect, mistakes will happen. While I am certain Jesus never studies family systems, I believe he knew something about it. In the eighteenth chapter of Matthew Jesus says: “If your brother or sister sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If you are listened to, you have regained that one.” His point is simply, instead of complaining to others, go to the person and talk with them yourself. They may have a very honest reason for the way they feel and more than not, they just need to know someone will listen. It may also be that they are right, and a change should be made. We all like to think we are right, that our opinion is correct. Listening to a podcast on the way to church in Harlan this past Sunday, the presenter suggested that when someone holds a view you may not agree with, instead of just presenting your side, listen to theirs, repeat back some of what you heard so they know you were actually listening, and then ask one simple question. “Would you be open to listening to another point of view?” If they answer yes, which he said nearly everyone will, you have won half the battle. Too often, we hold our ideas and instead of listening to another, we begin finding rebuttals right from the start and then fail to hear much of the rest that is said. One of Michelle’s closing points was that “people don’t resist change, they resist loss.” By default, I was an English major in college. I love language, despite the reality that I regularly murder it. I love the way words are used, the rhythm, the fluency. I suspect that is one reason I love the prayers in the Book of Common Prayer. Some of it is nostalgia. My prime example is the Nativity story in Luke, that is the King James version. There is something nostalgic, perhaps romantic about “And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn” that the New Revised Standard Version just does not have, “And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in bands of cloth and laid him in a manger because there was no place in the guest room.” I believe the NRSV is a far better translation, but there are times I miss the phrasing of the KJV. We have just celebrated Jesus’ ascension. I can only imagine the loss the disciples were again feeling. Yes, Jesus had given them words of hope, the hope for the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, but certainly, they felt loss. What was Jesus’ direction for them in Luke 24:49? Stay together, be that in Jerusalem, here at Calvary, or in our homes. We are family, let us stay together.
Peace,
Bryant+
